Now or never? This question is asked by women at 30–40 years old, when it becomes obvious that the time for thought is less and less. However, thoughts about the child often give birth to fear-that the body and appearance will change, that relations with the partner will deteriorate because of the child, that they will have to abandon work and career. How to be?

Often we tell ourselves that we have a whole life ahead. So, children can wait. But in 35-40 years, we begin to hear the ticking of biological watches, and questions arise. “One evening I returned home and realized that my pills were over. I ran to the pharmacy, then to the other, rushed for a long time around the district … And it was at the moment when I paid for the purchase at the checkout, I asked myself: how much more I will do it and why? And if then I will regret?”-recalls 39-year-old Galina.

Many women at this age find themselves in a situation of serious choice. To decide to give birth to a child, realizing all the difficulties of motherhood, is not easy

“Previously, the birth of children was part of the generally accepted norm. It was not only social: motherhood was a logical ending, the same life as a marriage, ”the psychotherapist Margeritus Tozi emphasizes. – Today we can choose, and this is great happiness, since the choice always personifies freedom, the opportunity to build your own life outside the schemes and models, in accordance with personal feelings.

However, freedom of choice is also reflection, acceptance of responsibility, honesty, introspection, even suffering, something that has to be faced with a difficult life stage ”.

Fear that time is leaving

“I never thought about children,” admits 36-year-old Anastasia. – I had a lot of novels, so now I live with a man and everything is fine with us. I always thought that for my family I still have time. And a year ago I read that after forty it becomes more difficult to conceive a child. And then I was scared. After all, four years will pass quickly ”.

According to the obstetrician-gynecologist Marina Shalimova, “at 35, the opportunity to conceive is very reduced compared to 20 years. And at 40 the chances are even less, despite all the promises of modern science. ”.

Internally women feel the approach of age when it is necessary to make a decision

As a rule, they have many questions: about the meaning of life, about what a choice, in the name of which … Any choice entails certain consequences that will change us in one way or another. In addition, often a certain idea of the depths of the unconscious is that if we do not give birth to a child, we will not be considered women to fully. So why are we lost before this choice?

Blocks of consciousness

The appearance of children means a huge responsibility, a change that affects your whole life. It can also mean a loss of freedom, a break in a career, a sharp reduction in income, because “you know how much it costs to give birth to a child?”. Rational, reasonable issues.

“Let’s try to decipher them,” suggests Margerite Tozi. – If depositing for later serves as a pretext in order to hide his own “healthy desires”, we are talking about the desired child. The main problem is to admit to yourself in this, which is not always easy. Hence the conflict and guilt ”.

At the same time, the child satisfies other needs – we continue our family, convey experience, knowledge, meaning of our existence through children who will represent us after our death, which will extend the memory of us.

Sometimes thoughts about children are due to pressure from relatives. “Until we made offspring, while at the same time a completely happy married couple, our parents, future grandparents, endlessly told us about this,” says 38-year-old Katerina.

It happens that a child is needed in order to balance the failed physiological or emotional scales

“A child is not an object that can be filled with your future, and even more so this is not a social object,” commented Margerite Tozi. -The child should not replace someone or something ”.

On the other hand, motherhood directs us to the eternal philosophical concepts: to the secret of birth and death, to relations with her own mother (more precisely, with the that way the parent she carries in herself), which returns us to long -forgotten conflicts. If the relationship with the mother was restless and difficult or unresolved issues remained, a conflict may arise between two trends: conscious adoption of motherhood and an unconscious rejection of him https://dubatrapez.hu/egyenes-parkany/.

Change of perception of oneself

The idea of the inevitable changes in the body is difficult, although not so noticeable at first. There is a feeling of loss of oneself, fear for their own ability to seduce, which will disappear for a while (and many people think that forever). The fear of childbirth is added to this, pain – in general, everything related to physical, devoid of emotions by the beginning. It comes into conflict with the perception of herself as a woman who, up to the present moment, did not perceive herself as a potential mother.

The main fear is that by giving birth, we can forever turn into a mother, dissolve in a child, lose ourselves as a person.

In search of a partner

“It is even more difficult for men to decide: they are self -centered and need almost maternal care. At least, they were all with whom I have ever met, and it may very well be, because of this I have no children, ”says 43-year-old Daria.

Indeed, many women complain that they cannot find a suitable pair

“Although in our time a woman may well conceive and grow a child, the idea that a child is a“ fruit of passion ”and love does not disappear anywhere,” comments Margeritis Tozi. – Let’s try to look at it differently. The fact that a woman constantly encounters men a la Peter Pan is no coincidence.

Often a man’s unwillingness to become a father is an excuse for a woman’s reluctance to become a mother. The analysis of past and current relations can serve as another tool with which you can try to understand what we really want ”.

Yes or not, he often decides

The basis of many stories of failed motherhood or intentional rejection of children is the desire to please the partner. “I did not feel any drama in connection with the“ empty nest ”. But the husband insisted. Finally I gave up. I love my child, but sometimes I can’t help but think about the work that I had to leave, and about my previous life – brilliant and saturated. And I can’t regret her either, ”the 45-year-old Valentine admits.

But the story of the 41-year-old Oksana: “At 37, I literally begged a partner, but he did not see the need for children. He had a child from his first wife. I reconciled, but then I began to regret it, and we broke up. Since then in my soul, longing and emptiness ”.

In the soul there is an answer. It is enough to be sure that the decision is correct, despite external conventions, despite the duality of the choice made and whether you feel capable of this or not. Regardless of the final result.